How to Teach Girls to Own Their Fear of Failure
In youth basketball each player is afforded five fouls before being benched. By the time I turned 10, I was pushing that number almost every game. I know what you must be thinking, “This girl is psycho,” but I was not overly aggressive, I just wasn’t afraid to be an athlete. Whether I was 100 percent sure of the play or not, I would rebound, shoot and guard like it was my job. And then all of a sudden, I stopped.
Within a six-month period, I had stopped shooting. I would no longer guard with the tenacity I once had. And rebounding? Forget about it. I let the taller, more talented girls do that. I stopped being the player girls feared, and I had become the player that would rather pass the ball off and let someone else take the shot.
It drove my coach CRAZY! Seriously, at my wedding 15 years later my coach leaned in and jokingly told me to “shoot the ball!” Not only did it drive my coach crazy, but it made my dad nuts trying to figure out what had turned me into a shrinking violet out of the blue. Had someone bullied me? Had I gotten hurt? Looking back, I would like to say that this change came out of a selfless heart that wanted my teammates to own the spotlight. However, I now know it came from a fear of failure.
According to the new Athleta ad campaign, “Between ages 12 & 13, the number of girls who say they’re afraid to fail increases by 150%.” Let me repeat -- 150%! SIDE NOTE: Dad, I hope you find some peace of mind knowing the change in me is relatively normal for girls that age.
This statistic should not be the norm. Another company that is trying to fight this shift in mental toughness in girls is Proctor & Gamble with their #LikeaGirl campaign. The campaign is a “rallying cry for girls to embrace failure as fuel to build their confidence,” according to a PRWeek article. This fear of failure may be exacerbated by puberty, but it extends far past the time a girl starts to become a woman. A LinkedIn Gender Insights Report showed that “women apply to 20% fewer jobs than men.” So, how do we make an impact and help young girls tackle their fear of failure early on, so they are not crippled by their fear of failure later in life?
Below are three important things to keep in mind if you are a coach to a female athlete or you are raising a young athlete:
The first step toward changing the above norm is to dispel the connection between a child’s failure and a parent’s approval. This is one area where my parents were pros. While they held me to a high standard in terms of being a fair and kind opponent, and a win was always exciting for our family, I knew my parent’s love for me was never attached to or dependent on my successes and failures. In addition, they taught me that while a failure can hurt worse than heart ache, it is a chance to rebuild from the ground up and work on the things that led to the failure.
Unfortunately, it seems like some people are prone to anxiety more than others. My attitude did not change because of anything my parents did or didn’t do; it was self-imposed. Therefore, I needed to gain confidence in myself and my ability to play my sport. I found my anxiety, and subsequently my fear of failure, dwindling with every productive practice I had and every supportive comment from my coach, parents, and teammates. Confidence has to come from within too. Teaching young girls positive self-talk is one of the most significant strategies to help increase confidence.
Last, you have to find a support system that can help you understand your goals and act as a cushion when you do fail, because unfortunately failure is always a part of sports…and life. While I have not fully resolved my fear of failure, I have spent the last fifteen or so years building a team that will be in my corner no matter what I might come up against. With the support of parents, coaches, teammates, significant others, friends, teachers, etc., an athlete can relax and actually enjoy the sport they play rather than constantly fearing failure.
Building on the idea of a sound support system, Mpowher Athlete has a new program called, Mpowher Athlete Advantage. The goal of the program is to shape and re-define the future of female athletics by arming developing athletes with the information that successful college and pro athletes have mastered. Things we wished we knew when we were young athletes. In addition, the program will dive deeper into the critical components of athletics, many falling under the category of mental training. In the program young athletes will learn about the fear of failure, how to recognize it, how to overcome it, and have an opportunity to speak with their mentor about their own personal experience with failure.
If we can teach young girls that A) failure does not define you, B) Strategies to build confidence can be a game-changer when dealing with the fear of failure, and C) creating a full-proof cushion of knowledge and support can help battle the fear of failure, I believe the percentage of girls who quit sports at an early age will decrease tremendously!
Leave a comment below about things you have done to help yourself, your daughter or a student athlete tackle the fear of failure!
Caroline H. Weppner
Is a first-year master's student in the Catholic University's Psychological Science program and the graduate assistant coach for both the men's and women's Catholic University tennis teams. A 2016 graduate of LSU with a bachelor's degree in mass communication and minors in business administration and psychology, she competed one season on the women's tennis team, being named to the SEC Academic Honor Roll. A native of Baton Rouge, LA., Weppner played numerous sports growing up, including select basketball and select travel soccer. In high school, Weppner was ranked as high as No. 91 in the nation and the No. 2-ranked player in the state of Louisiana. She was a six-time individual region champion, five-time individual state champion and led her team to four consecutive 2A state championship titles. Weppner specializes in performance and team cohesion, particularly as it pertains to sports and the military, and is also working as a graduate research assistant with the Anxiety, Mindfulness, & Psychotherapy Integration research Lab on Catholic U.'s campus.